The Fragility of Boys

 

Before We Begin

 

Let’s get something straight from the start, this isn’t a plea to raise soft boys. This isn’t about turning men into something they're not. This is about truth. Hard truth. The kind of truth that doesn’t feel good at first but frees you once you face it.

 

As men reading this, we might already be too far gone. Our foundation has cracks that may never fully heal. We’ve learned to survive with them. We’ve built armor. We’ve figured out how to move through the world with our wounds tucked beneath our confidence, our humour, our silence.

 

But the boys coming after us?

They don’t have to inherit our dysfunction.

They don’t have to learn strength through shame or toughness through trauma.

 

What we couldn’t fix in ourselves, we can protect in them.

 

This blog isn’t about fixing men. It’s about understanding where it all began so we can raise boys who don’t need to unlearn themselves just to become men.

 

Boys Aren’t Just ‘Tougher’ Girls

 

“We think boys are tough. But what if they’re actually more fragile?”

 

Society has sold us a dangerous illusion: that boys are born tougher, more durable, less emotional. From the moment a boy enters the world, he’s expected to endure more, need less, and mature faster in ways that don’t even align with his biology. Crying? That’s weakness. Sensitivity? That’s girlish. Emotional needs? Toughen up.

 

But what if the opposite is true?

 

Clinical social worker and psychoanalyst Erica Komisar says plainly:

 

“Boys are more sensitive, physically, emotionally, and neurologically.”

 

That single line disrupts generations of social programming. It means that our assumptions about boys—the belief that they can “handle it,” that they’re “stronger,” that they need less attention—are not just outdated, they’re harmful. Boys aren’t blank-slate versions of men in waiting. They are fragile. And if we ignore that fragility, we set them up to fail.

 

Komisar’s work forces us to confront something uncomfortable: many boys are breaking down before they ever build up. Whether it’s through explosive anger, complete emotional shutdown, or the quiet fade into distraction and detachment, the signs are there. We just don’t recognize them, because we’ve been trained not to look.

 

And the result?

We end up misreading their needs, mislabeling their behaviours, and mistreating their development.

 

This blog post is about setting the record straight. It’s about starting at the root with boyhood. Because before men become disconnected, depressed, or dysfunctional… they were once boys who were misunderstood.

 

Let’s talk about that.

 

The Science of Fragility: Boys vs. Girls

 

“We don’t just raise boys wrong, we misunderstand them from the ground up.”

 

Erica Komisar doesn’t mince words when she says boys are more sensitive than girls, not just emotionally, but neurologically and physically too. It’s a biological fact.

 

Here’s what that means:

 

• Boys produce more cortisol (the stress hormone) in response to stimuli than girls.
• Their brain maturation is slower, especially in areas like emotional regulation, impulse control, and executive function.
• Early stress affects boys more severely, leaving deeper developmental scars.

 

In short, boys are less equipped to handle emotional chaos, especially in their early years. So what happens when we ignore this science and treat boys as if they’re mini-men?

 

They break.

 

That’s why boys are:

 

• Far more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD
• More frequently labelled “aggressive,” “disruptive,” or “unfocused”
• Overrepresented in special education and disciplinary systems

 

But here’s the kicker: many of these boys are not disordered, they’re dysregulated.

 

They’re not broken. They’re overwhelmed.

 

Komisar explains that the current systems—whether it’s schools, parenting styles, or social expectations—are not designed with boys’ needs in mind. Instead, they demand behaviors boys aren’t developmentally ready to give. Sit still. Listen quietly. Process emotions verbally. Comply without question.

 

These are expectations that favor the average girl’s developmental trajectory. For boys, they often trigger fight or flight.

 

“When boys are overwhelmed, they either lash out or shut down.”

 

And then we punish them for it.

 

We diagnose the symptom instead of asking deeper questions about the cause. We label boy behavior as deviant instead of recognizing it as a cry for support that never learned to use words.

 

This is the fragility Erica Komisar is talking about. Not weakness, not softness but a biological vulnerability that demands more attention, more nurturing, and more understanding than we’re currently giving.

 

This isn’t about protecting boys from the world. It’s about preparing the world to actually recognize what boys need in order to grow into healthy men.

 

The War on Play: How Schools Punish Boyhood

 

“We took away what boys need most, and then blamed them for falling apart.”

 

There was a time when early education understood the importance of play. Preschool, creche, or kindergarten were built around it—free movement, imagination, tactile learning, social interaction. It was less about performance and more about expression.

 

But somewhere along the way, we shifted.

 

Now, even in the earliest years, children are expected to sit still, focus, process information, and behave in a way that mirrors adult discipline. That change may seem progressive, but in reality? It systemically disadvantages boys.

 

As Erica Komisar points out:

 

“Boys need more physical expression… They need to run like little puppies. They don’t need to learn yet.”

 

That line hits hard.

 

Boys are biologically wired to explore through movement. Their development thrives on physical activity, experimentation, risk-taking, and unstructured interaction. But modern classrooms are built for stillness and early cognition. These are settings that—by design—favor girls.

 

And so when boys struggle to adjust to environments that deny their nature, we pathologize them:

 

• He’s too active.
• He won’t listen.
• He can’t sit still.
• He’s behind in reading.

 

The problem isn’t the boy. The problem is the expectation.

 

“We act like a boy is failing, when really the system is failing him.”

 

We’ve taken the most natural and necessary outlet for boys—movement—and labeled it as disruption. And then we medicate the symptoms of a system that has no patience for masculinity in its raw, developing form.

 

This is the war on play. And boys are the casualties.

 

A Quick Example:

 

A 5-year-old boy who gets in trouble for fidgeting during story time isn’t misbehaving, he’s self-regulating. His body is doing what his brain needs to stabilize. But in a classroom that sees obedience as the highest virtue, he becomes a “problem child.”

 

This is how boys begin to lose confidence in themselves because they’re forced to suppress instincts that are actually healthy and developmentally appropriate.

 

Fight or Flight: What Looks Like Bad Behaviour is Just Survival

 

“Boys don’t misbehave. They react.”

 

One of the most profound points Erica Komisar makes is this: when boys are placed in environments that deny their nature, they don’t calmly adapt, they break down, often in ways that look like defiance or dysfunction.

 

This is where the fight or flight response kicks in.

 

The Science:

 

When boys are stressed, their bodies flood with cortisol.

 

Their developing nervous systems can’t regulate intense emotions as easily as girls can.

 

So, they react the only way their biology allows: they fight or they flee.

 

You’ve seen it:

 

• The boy who throws a tantrum in class.
• The boy who zones out and stares at nothing.
• The boy who “won’t sit still,” “won’t pay attention,” or “gets angry for no reason.”

 

These aren’t bad kids.

They’re overwhelmed.

And what’s worse? They’re punished for it.

 

“What the system sees as aggression or distraction is often just a survival response to emotional overload.”

 

Instead of understanding, they get isolation.

Instead of support, they get diagnosis.

Instead of connection, they get control.

 

Truth Bomb:

 

“You don’t medicate a lion because it can’t sit still in a cage. You set it free.”

 

But modern systems don’t want to set boys free. They want compliance. And because boys don’t comply the way girls often can, they become targets of discipline, detention, and dysfunction labels before they even learn how to spell those words.

 

And so begins the cycle:

 

1. Suppression of natural behavior.

2. Reinforcement that something is “wrong” with them.

3. Internalization of failure and shame.

4. A growing disconnect from school, home, and eventually… themselves.

 

Komisar calls for a different lens. A lens that sees a boy’s behavior as a message, not a malfunction. A call for understanding, not correction.

 

When we fail to decode the signals boys send us—through aggression, withdrawal, or even humor—we leave them alone in their stress. And boys don’t always cry for help. Sometimes they punch it. Or run from it. Or bury it.

 

And then we wonder why so many men are emotionally unavailable, disconnected, or destructive.

 

They started off as boys no one listened to.

 

Attachment: Boys Need It More Than Girls

 

“We thought girls were the emotional ones. We were wrong.”

 

There’s a deeply embedded assumption in our culture: girls are needy, clingy, emotional, and boys are naturally independent, detached, and stoic. But according to Erica Komisar, that belief couldn’t be further from the truth.

 

“Boys actually need more attachment than girls.”

 

Yes, you read that right.

 

Boys require more emotional anchoring, more presence from caregivers, and deeper relational security during their formative years. They may not always verbalize it. They may not look you in the eye and say, “I need you to hold me.” But the need is there, and it’s primal.

 

Why Is This the Case?

 

Boys are more neurologically fragile.

They experience higher stress levels early on.

Their coping mechanisms are still underdeveloped.

 

And because they’re expected to be “tough,” they’re often left alone in their distress.

 

But here’s the paradox: boys may show less emotion, but they feel more stress. And that stress, if not buffered by strong emotional connection, becomes internalized. It doesn’t disappear, it mutates into:

 

• Anger
• Rebellion
• Disinterest

 

Or the deadliest: numbness

 

“A boy disconnected from his caregivers becomes a man disconnected from himself.”

 

The old parenting advice—“Give him space,” “He’ll figure it out,” “Don’t baby him”—only works if the child is emotionally regulated. But many boys aren’t. And so when they’re pushed toward independence too soon, it creates a false front, a boy who appears strong but is actually surviving on silence.

 

We See It in the Numbers:

 

• Boys are less likely to seek help.
• Boys have higher school dropout rates.
• Boys are more prone to risky behavior.

 

And eventually, men lead in depression, addiction, and suicide.

 

All of this traces back to the same root:

 

“We treated boys like they didn’t need connection. But they needed it the most.”

 

Flip the Script

 

This section is an invitation.

It’s saying: let’s re-humanize boys. Let’s recognize that they don’t just need discipline and direction, they need bonding. They need eye contact. They need presence. They need soft arms and strong hands. They need to feel safe enough to not be strong all the time.

 

Because the boy who feels safe becomes the man who doesn’t need to dominate, suppress, or disappear to survive.

 

The Bigger Picture: Why This Matters for Men Today

 

“Men don’t just wake up broken at 30. They were boys breaking in silence at 3.”

 

If you’ve spent any time around men—really listening—you’ll notice a pattern. A quiet grief. A disconnect. A deep sense of having missed something, though many can’t name what. What Erica Komisar exposes is the origin of that feeling: boyhood neglect.

 

We don’t have a masculinity crisis.

We have a boyhood neglect crisis that becomes a masculinity crisis.

 

The men we label as emotionally unavailable, avoidant, detached, angry, or distant… many of them weren’t born that way. They were boys who:

 

• Were punished for being active.
• Were pathologized for being playful.
• Were called “problems” for being overwhelmed.
• Were ignored when they needed comfort the most.

 

“You cannot strip a boy of his nature and expect him to grow into a healthy man.”

 

And yet, that’s exactly what our systems do.

Early learning environments? Built to reward stillness, verbal processing, and conformity.

Girls flourish. Boys flounder.

 

Mental health approaches? Geared toward articulate, emotionally literate expression.

Boys are labeled “resistant” or “cold.”

 

Parenting advice? Encourages independence before emotional regulation.

Boys are left to “man up” before they even understand what it means to feel safe.

 

And the result? A generation of men who appear functional but are emotionally fractured. Who can lead teams and build empires, but can’t say “I need help.”

 

Let Boys Be Boys (Really)

 

“You can’t heal a man without understanding the boy he used to be.”

 

We’ve spent decades trying to fix men telling them to open up, get therapy, express their feelings, stop being toxic. But we rarely ask how they got this way. Erica Komisar gives us that missing piece: they weren’t born emotionally blocked. They were conditioned that way by systems that ignored their fragility, misunderstood their behavior, and punished their instincts.

 

We say “boys will be boys” like it’s an excuse for recklessness. But what if it was a plea for understanding?

 

What if it meant:

 

• Let them move.
• Let them express.
• Let them bond.
• Let them need.
• Let them break without being blamed for it.

 

Because when we don’t let boys be, we force them to perform. And what we call “masculinity” ends up being a mask for years of emotional neglect.

 

“Boys need more connection, more attention, more freedom to express who they are before we demand who they should become.”

 

This is not about making boys soft. It’s about making them seen. It’s about raising boys who don’t have to unlearn shame, suppress sensitivity, or claw their way toward emotional literacy in their 30s. It’s about giving them what they needed from the beginning not a system of control, but a foundation of connection.

 

Final Thoughts

 

If you’ve ever wondered why so many men struggle to connect, why they seem emotionally stunted, or why they self-destruct in silence, it’s time we stop blaming them and start asking where we failed them.

 

The answer is back there, in boyhood.

In the classroom where they were told to sit still.

In the home where “don’t cry” replaced “I see you.”

In the world that applauded their silence but punished their expression.

 

If we want to change the state of men, we need to protect the state of boys.

Let them run. Let them play. Let them attach. Let them feel.

Let boys be boys for real this time.

 

Call to Action:

 

If this hits home, share it. With a parent. A teacher. A friend.

Tag someone raising a son.

Tag someone healing from being one.

 

Let’s raise boys who don’t have to spend their adulthood recovering from their childhood. 

 

-Mohau Darlington