The Courting Ritual (ukushela)

 

In order for a man and a woman to be together in a relationship or any engagement that may result in affection and sexual relations, certain procedures need to be carried out. These procedures are not necessarily influenced by logic but instead by biological programming.

This is where logic matters less; the emphasis is on appearance, body language, and physical/verbal engagements. This process comes naturally to all of us and mostly happens subconsciously. Throughout the human race, the courting ritual is almost completely similar, as this form of communication existed way before language was invented. So, everywhere you go in the world, you'll be able to witness the behaviors we're about to discuss.

At the end of this discourse, you'll be able to spot and read nonverbal cues as well as consciously carry out behaviors that influence your desired mate, thus increasing your chances. FOR MORE SPECIFICALLY ABOUT WOMEN, CHECK OUT THE BLOG ON SEXUAL SIGNALS AND DISPLAYS.

Contents 

1. The importance of courting rituals.

2. The Six stages of the courting ritual.

3. Difference and similarities in courting gestures.

4. More on gestures and why.

5. The failed courting ritual.

 

The importance of courting rituals

Without courting rituals, mating would be disorganized, so nature arranged for a set of behaviors that allow for mating to happen seamlessly. These behaviors are programmed into every creature and have evolved along with the species to ensure that the species can procreate without the strain of conscious thought. Without the influence of language, the courting and mating rituals happen seamlessly, as can be seen through interactions between deaf/mute people who rely on nonverbal cues. Also, in nature, all animals display nonverbal cues during the mating period, which allows for perfect timing and smooth connections/communications between both genders, ultimately resulting in successful mating and the birthing of offspring.

With humans, our mating rituals are quite complex due to our adoption of languages and conscious thought; however, our underlying animal nature allows us to benefit from subconscious communication as well as conscious thought. Our reptilian brain helps us process things like scent in the form of pheromones-which often go unnoticed by the conscious mind. It also helps us decipher body language subconsciously, putting less strain on the conscious mind. Understand that the ability to consciously decipher body language cues is a great advantage throughout the social field.

With other creatures, it is usually the male that initiates contact through sexual displays, displays of aggression, or outright forced physical contact. With humans, it is actually the woman who initiates most contact in most situations. She is also the one who engages in sexual displays (there's a previous blog on this) to attract and signal desire to her selected mate. Without the woman first noticing and encouraging engagement with a man, the forceful man's attempts are often shut down instantly and abruptly, as it was not agreed upon subconsciously. This is why cold approaches have such a low success rate compared to warm approaches.

In the beginning, the woman sends out signs that signal her attraction and waits for the man to send signs back to indicate he's noticed. As both parties observe each other, they exchange signs that let them know how the other person feels. The longer the exchange happens, the more mutual the interest becomes. Whenever men and women are in the same room, the behaviors of both change drastically as the biological imperative takes over. Men become more competitive, and women amp up their sexual displays to attract attention. Men might belittle each other to display dominance, and women tend to move around a lot to attract attention to themselves. Whether male or female, the beginning of the courting ritual is about attracting attention and using that attention to gauge interest, liking, and compatibility - a trait that occurs throughout the lives of men and women, regardless of age.

Failure to notice results in the premature ending of the mating ritual, with the woman assuming the man is either uninterested or lacks the experience to notice. Overall, the courting ritual is important as it is the beginning of a potential relationship. Without the necessary courting gestures being carried out, the success rate tends to be low. An analogy would be jumping straight into a workout; the body first needs to be warmed up and stretched. If the relationship is the workout, then the courting ritual is the warmup and stretching.

The Six stages of the courting ritual

 

1. Eye contact

Whenever a woman is in the same room with a man and finds him interesting, she waits for him to notice or draws attention to herself. Once she has his attention, she holds his gaze for a few seconds and then gauges his reaction to it. If she's still interested, she'll make a point of meeting his gaze again. With men, it starts with the man examining the woman's body to check for fertility cues (the booty, breasts, and also her curvaceousness). Then he makes eye contact with her for a brief moment, narrowing his eyes to show his interest.

2. Smile

After eye contact is exchanged, the woman proceeds to flash a smile or two to show her interest. This flashing of a smile also works on the man's libido, as it is seductive enough to arouse desire in him. The man's smile is more invitational, as he does it with a slightly lifted chin, which works to assure and invite the woman to approach. Failure to respond to smiles flashed from either the man or the woman mostly results in the courting ritual not continuing. Both parties will assume there is a lack of interest, and women will most often try elsewhere.

3. Preen

During this part of the courting ritual, both men and women are influenced by biological programming to assume body positions that best display their gender differences. The woman will start to conduct sexual displays that highlight her physical attributes, such as her thighs, buttocks, breasts, lips, and youthful energy. If seated, she'll change seating positions to better display her thighs and show off her legs; she'll also adjust her attire or pull out a mirror to fix herself, either prior to or after. Things like playing with her hair are also common here. The man will straighten himself and push his chest out, adjusting his clothes; he also sucks in his stomach, if possible, to portray a fitter look. During preening, both the man and woman's bodies will be facing each other; the desire to engage further is reflected in where the feet are pointing. If the feet are pointed elsewhere, then that person desires to leave. Preening is the nonverbal form of advertising; it screams, "I am here," "I am a man/woman," "can you see me?"

4. Talk 

After the initial three steps—capturing her attention and obtaining her consent—the man then approaches to initiate a conversation. The specific subject of the discussion isn’t as crucial as the underlying tone and body language. This moment often marks where many interactions stall. If the woman responds with yawning, a frown, a sneer, puts her hands in her pockets, crosses her arms, averts her gaze, or even walks away, it’s a clear sign to terminate the effort. In today’s digital age, disinterest can also be signaled by her looking at her phone while he speaks or even starting a different conversation with someone else—that’s a rejection. During the conversation, certain gestures like avoiding eye contact, prolonged staring, or lip compression can be perceived as negative signals indicating disinterest. Eating while chatting can reduce tension, which explains why, in Western cultures, dates often involve sharing a meal to facilitate better connection. The specific topic of conversation matters less than the ability to establish a genuine bond. Focus is placed more on warmth, friendliness, and demonstrating understanding of her perspective. Ultimately, it’s not just about the words exchanged but about the emotional cues and tone that convey genuine interest.

5. Touch

This stage comes about when there is mutual prolonged interest. The touching starts off lightly, with touches to the arm being the most intimate place for people who've just met to touch each other. Reaching this stage signals a successful courting ritual. The first touch is often simple, casual, or accidental and placed in a non-threatening part of the body, like the arm. The hand then gauges the effect that touch has on the other individual. Reactions such as being startled, hesitating, and freezing are all observed to see where the individual stands with the other. Negative cues would be refusing the touch, angling the body (changing the direction it is facing away from the person touching), or no response in the form of no touch. Positive cues would be returning touch, shoulder shrugging, and tilting the head. The response one gets from touching another is the body's way of signaling attraction or dislike physically. Touch is then increased, leading to actions such as groping, grinding, and kissing to end this stage of the courtship ritual.

6. Sexual contact

After the touching is successful the couple then progresses to sexual intercourse. Without the necessary steps the sexual intercourse does not happen except in cases like brothel visits and acts of rape. In this stage, the most effective places to touch(apart from genitalia) are the outer and inner thighs, b. the buttocks, and c. the saddle area of the perineal skin. Touching these areas stimulates the pudendal nerve, which awaken the penis and clitoris directly which is why foreplay is important as it gets both partners on the same page. 

The above actions/behaviors are always apparent in the courting ritual. They are usually carried out and understood subconsciously as they are influenced by the generations of evolution. Without these steps followed connection between people attracted to each other is impossible unless it is under forceful circumstances or pay for play scenarios. 

"Generation after generation of adolescents dance to the heartbeat of courtship's primal routine. With little regard for logic or reason, they fumble toward a realization that the meaning of life in Nonverbal World is none other than life itself."

 

Differences in courting gestures

During the courting ritual, the emphasis is placed on displaying gender differences. Both the man and woman will carry out behaviors that highlight their gender's uniqueness while also advertising the individual's prowess. This helps to increase attraction by making them more sexually appealing. In this section, we'll be going over the body language displayed by both genders and what it means.

Both genders tend to display characteristics and behaviors that make them seem more youthful than they are. This allows for proper genetic screening, as it displays health and portrays the youthful individual as a partner worth mating with. This is why "boyish" or "girlish" charms are so effective in attracting members of both genders, with older women wanting to be swept away by the youthfulness of their partner and older men enjoying the excitement and carefree attitude often displayed by young women in their prime.

 

Below are the differences in body language between men and women: 

 Women

1. Hair flick

When a woman is around a man whom she finds attractive, she unconsciously tosses her head, plays with, or rubs her fingers through her hair. This is a nonverbal sign that she finds the man attractive enough to make her want to fix or alter her appearance around him to make herself more appealing.

 

2. Head tilt and neck showing

Tilting her head gives a woman a "helpless" look, which is quite appealing to the man as it signals the possibility of submission in the woman. This position makes her look vulnerable, and it appeals to the man's desire to protect. Exposing her neck to him shows that she's willing to be vulnerable around him, and this has a primal appeal to him as it also exposes her soft skin, which brings sexual undertones to this gesture. It is effective, as it can turn the men on. Also, the neck has some hot zones, so it is hardly forgotten in matters of sexual arousal for both the man and the woman.

3. Dipping the head

This gesture is carried out to create an almost childlike look for the woman as she looks up at the man with her head lowered. This gesture signals submission and can be observed when women and men are flirting. This gesture appeals to the man as it makes her seem vulnerable and in need of protection.

4. Bringing attention to the lips

The mouth is on the other end of the anus and is made of the same material as the anal opening and lining. A woman’s labia(pussy lips) are in proportion to the thickness of her facial lips.

"According to zoologist Desmond Morris, women ‘self-mimic’ their outer genital lips by making their facial lips wet by licking them, or using lip gloss, thus creating a sexual invitation." 

When a woman is sexually aroused her lips, breasts, and genitals grow and become redder as blood flows into them. Lips are also the one of the most expressive parts of the body. With the lips, men and women are able to connect and communicate desire.

 

 

Pouting, wetting the lips, and applying lipstick in the presence of an attractive man is a female's way of bringing attention to a part of her face that is sexually attractive to the male. When a woman pouts, her lip size increases, and it draws the man's attention. Lip biting can also be seen in the later stages of the courting ritual when desire is paramount.

5. Self touching

Self-touching in this context occurs when a woman desires to be touched by the man with whom she is conversing. Women have more nerve endings than men, making them more sensitive to the sensations of touch. The areas she touches are usually hot zones or areas that can evoke arousal when stimulated; examples of these areas include a) her thighs, b) her neck, c) her breasts, and d) her throat. This self-touching captures the man's attention and tells him that if he plays his cards right, he'll be able to caress her in these spots. Touching herself allows her to fantasize about what it would be like to be touched by the man she desires. These self-touching gestures attract attention to women in ways that other gestures cannot, with women who understand their effect being particularly skilled at self-touching that draws attention to them.

6. Looking over shoulder

This gesture is very effective in distracting and capturing the attention of a man. By turning her shoulder towards a man and holding his gaze with slightly lowered eyelids, she is able to inspire arousal in him, as the gesture has sexual undertones, with the shoulders mimicking the shape of the breasts. Most men find it hard to resist the effects of this gesture. The raising of the shoulder also highlights a woman's curves and roundness.

7. Fondling objects

From the desire to be touched also comes the need to touch, which explains the fondling of objects often seen in women during the courting ritual. Often , objects are used to communicate and express desire. The fondling of things like keys or another individual's personal items shows the other person their interest and wish to touch the other. With personal items, when a woman places them near the man, it signals that she feels comfortable enough to trust him with something personal to her. Her personal items are eventually replaced with access to her body.

8. Folding her legs

By folding and entwining her legs, the woman is able to bring attention to a very sexual part of her body. This position allows her to display the fullness and curviness of her thighs. This position gives the appearance of highly toned muscles and has sexual undertones to a higher degree, as this is the position she takes before engaging in sex. The crossing and closing of the legs, in tandem with self-caressing, is a woman's way of letting the man know she would like to be touched in a sexual manner. It brings attention to her thighs, arouses the man, increasing his desire, and also lets him know her level of interest in him.

9. Communication with the feet/legs

Feet are very expressive, and even in non-intimate situations, they remain a part of the body that expresses the true feelings of an individual when they are engaged in any form of contact with another individual. A woman who is comfortable with a man she desires will reveal more skin gradually as the conversation goes on. Part of it includes playing with her shoe, if the shoe type allows it, by dangling it on her toes. If the vibe is ruined, the shoe will go back on immediately. Also, with the knees, when a woman is seated in such a way that one of her knees points outwards, if it is pointed towards a man, then she finds him interesting; it also allows her to show off some thigh.

Men

Women have more expressive body language than men do as it pertains to the courting ritual. A man's ability to attract attention is balanced between genetics and real-world accomplishments. While a woman's emphasis may be on attracting attention to different parts of her body, a man's emphasis will be on portraying his strength, fitness, and ability to protect and conquer. This can be achieved through various gestures and items like status symbols.

Male gestures include: a) sucking in his stomach to display physical fitness, b) puffing his chest to signal strength, c) lifting his head to signal confidence, d) smoothing his hair, flicking lint off his shoulder, and adjusting his clothes to make himself more presentable. If a woman finds a man attractive, she might be the one to help tidy up his appearance, as being slightly in need of adjustment unleashes her desire to nurture.

Men and women both have different things that appeal to them, but there are similarities in some unconscious behaviors they both exhibit. Women are far more expressive nonverbally, as they are better communicators than men, and also because they are responsible for the initial signs/signals that begin the courting ritual.

More on gestures and why

The difference in physical and physiological makeups creates interesting variety throughout the animal kingdom ; humans are not exempt from this.

Differences

Due to the fact that women have a different pelvic bone structure than men, their movement tends to be different from men's. Their wider hips and larger crotch area create a rolling motion that brings attention to their lower body when they move. When they move, the motion ripples through their buttocks and thighs, which is sexually appealing to men. The difference in pelvic structure is the reason why the feminine gait is so attractive. When wearing heels, they unconsciously arch their backs, which makes their buttocks pop out more and creates a wiggle in their walk that is instantly attractive to men.

 

The design of the pelvic structure is also the reason why men are more physically capable than women concerning activities that require running, etc. If you observe female athletes, you'll notice that the faster they are, the narrower their pelvic area is. The idealized woman's body structure, namely the hourglass shape, prevents her from being able to run as fast as men or women with narrow hips.

Similarities 

Vocal tone

The impact of voices is often overlooked as it pertains to the courting ritual, but the right tone of voice can be a deciding factor. During the courting ritual, both partners use a high- pitched voice to show harmlessness and playfulness. This allows both partners to be comfortable around each other. Also, the difference in genders is highlighted, with women having a softer voice and the man having a deeper one. A man that sounds different from a woman will always be perceived as more attractive than a man that sounds like a woman.

Dilating of pupils

Eye contact is essential on both sides; it is the first point of contact, and so it plays an important role as it pertains to the courting ritual, as well as establishing relationships and hierarchies within these relationships. Through eye contact, people are able to perceive and be perceived; they are also able to communicate feelings without verbalizing them. Initiating and maintaining eye contact can instill trust and introduce comfort in an engagement between two individuals.

The human pupils dilate when they look at something they are aroused by. This is because the pupils expand to allow more light into the eye to see the thing being observed a little better. With eye contact, Palesa can let Thabiso know that she's attracted to him or finds him interesting. Thabiso can return the eye contact to signal the same to Palesa. Failure to maintain eye contact results in a failed engagement as both parties do not perceive each other or the other's desires. To show interest, one can fix their gaze on the thing or person of interest for slightly longer than usual. This lets the person and everyone around know that you have eyes on the said individual or object. If the person finds the interest mutual, then they'll return the gaze.

Eye contact

When a person holds your gaze, she's telling you one of two things: she finds you attractive or interesting, or she may be feeling anger or hostility toward you and is offering you a non-verbal challenge. How do you tell the difference? Look at her pupils: in the first case, the pupils are dilated; in the second, the pupils are constricted.

To show interest, you can demonstrate interest in what you're doing or saying by fixing your gaze directly on the person or object you're addressing for slightly longer than you may normally do. The length and direction of your gaze tell anyone who's paying attention that you only have eyes for who and what you're looking at. The moment you look at another person, you have given that person your attention. Hold the look for more than two to three seconds, and you imply that the person has grabbed your interest and has your permission to look back at you.

Eye contact can help build rapport, as it can reduce stranger anxiety (the discomfort that comes from being around strangers) and let the person know specifically that you're giving them your attention, which in turn can get their attention. Timid people often avoid eye contact, and this comes at a disadvantage; how will you be noticed by your love interest if you don't let them know about your interest initially, then work towards building rapport?

"When you want to build rapport with someone, research shows that you need to meet that person's gaze between 60-70 percent of the time."  Overall, the inability to initiate and maintain eye contact is a disadvantage, as it makes you come across as timid, uncomfortable, and untrustworthy. In cases where eye contact is not returned, take that as rejection, especially if it was made to convey interest.

Physical closeness

As the courting ritual commences, a good sign is an increase in physical closeness. This lets everyone know that there is also an emotional connection between the individuals. Both men and women are possessive about the people they find attractive and carry out nonverbal signs to show their interest, feelings, and closeness.

The man might wrap his arm around the woman's shoulders or waist; the woman might adjust his appearance by removing fluff from him. Both might link their arms or hold hands while seated or walking. All of these gestures and behaviors are done to show everyone that they are together.

Dominance cues

Through body language, we are also able to establish who the leader is in the relationship.

 
With hands, the leader usually places their hand in front when they are walking; in circumstances where they are seated, the hand is usually above. When communicating with a couple, the dominant partner speaks more than the other and makes less eye contact with their partner; they also tend to answer questions on behalf of the partner. With eye contact, a dominant partner looks at the other partner more to ensure they are listening; when the other speaks, they may look at the other partner less to signal their status. 

The more dominant one is usually the one who initiates the most eye contact, while the partner who submits tends to avert their gaze. A sign of submission, mostly in women, is looking down after making eye contact, which is meant to placate and sometimes hide feelings. This, followed by a smile, signals attraction and submission that is desired. 

The Failed courting ritual

Not all attempts at courting are successful and the failure to connect is communicated to the other both verbally and nonverbally. Overall with a failed courting attempt it is blatantly clear that there is a disconnect or lack of interest. Usually this happens during the talking stage as both men and women build up their connection through rapport. 

The impact of social media

Social media has taken away the immediacy of the courting ritual in a sense that connection is now based more on preferences set by the media instead of connections being formed based on immediate interactions. Whether it is being swiped left for not meeting the criteria or being ghosted, rejection still hits hard. It is entirely plausible to believe that without social media, much more courting would be occurring, and the tastes and standards that people set for their potential partners would be more realistic and less based on fantasy. Nonetheless, social media does not serve as a platform for courting; instead, it only allows for the first few stages of the ritual to commence. A complete courting ritual requires physical contact so that nonverbal cues can be exchanged and the bodies can communicate. Social media at this point mostly benefits those who have looks that society deems most desirable; since physical attractiveness is mostly a female trait, it benefits women more while disadvantaging the average man who now has to compete with "the perfect man" that his beloved saw on social media.

Rejection is painful, but it is a common experience, so take it on the chin and push on, brother. Below are signs that the RUG should walk away:

1) The aversion of gaze - when exposed to unwanted attention , the woman withdraws her eye contact and places her attention elsewhere. She will either look to the side or find someone or something else to focus on.
2) Bored eye contact - when boredom is visible in the eyes, one can tell that there is a reduced amount of interest; in such cases, it's best to walk away.
3) Angling the body away - when contact is no longer desired, the woman will turn her body away from the man, and this should let him know she wants to end the engagement.
4) Feet pointing away - when her feet are pointed away from the man, this signals that she would like to leave.
5) Less communication - this is downright heartbreaking but an effective way to drive the message home. She'll speak less to show that she is no longer interested in the man or the conversation.
6) Looking for an exit - women tend to get creative when they want to leave ; she'll start a conversation with someone else or pretend to have a call or anything that might get her to stop talking and leave the conversation.
7) Shaking her head - this is done to show disapproval or disagreement. Usually, she'll look down to her side as though she's stepped in something unpleasant; this shows that there is no attraction there.
8) Walking away - this is obvious; at least you'll get to watch her shake her bunda to show you what she's denying you.

Overall, the courting ritual is beautiful and necessary; its impact is more silent than apparent, but without these steps followed, the courting ritual is often not a success. Whether engagement started on social media or through an acquaintance, the above-mentioned signs will always be there.

-Khufi918